


So This is Christmas (Silent Night)

by thesnowyswan



Series: Christmas 2017 [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: (ex-husband), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Aaron Dingle, aaron really loves rob okay, and aaron works through a few things, and rob is a human mess in a coma and this upsets his husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 05:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13093479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesnowyswan/pseuds/thesnowyswan
Summary: While Robert is on a journey to rediscover himself, Aaron is left with the emotional fallout.Aaron's POV of A (Very Robert Sugden) Christmas Carol.





	So This is Christmas (Silent Night)

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
> 
> I had always intended to write this story, but it was more a case of whether or not I could write Aaron to a degree that I was happy with. So, again, much thank yous to be made to Haley for supporting me and telling me that my Aaron is a worthy Aaron.
> 
> You can read this story without A (Very Robert Sugden) Christmas Carol, but some bits directly correlate to that story and I left bits in that story that don't come up here and you might wonder why I didn't deal with X and that's why.

Aaron’s been in bed a couple of hours, wanting an early night after the excitement of the previous day before his phone starts going. At first, he ignores it, grousing as he rolls over in bed, but he picks it up to see Robert’s name. He frowns as he swipes it to connect the call.

“Rob? What’s going on?”

There’s a bit of muffled breathing before Robert says to him, quietly, “I love you. You know that, right?”

It’s soft. Too soft. Aaron sits up in bed, he finds himself asserting his voice, “Robert.”

He doesn’t expect what Robert tells him next: “I love you. I know we’re friends, sort of, but I love you. You’re the love of my life.”

Aaron feels like the world gives way under him. This isn’t how Robert talks. He asks him, “Are you drunk?”

 “No. No. I just. I need you to know.” Another tremble. Aaron doesn’t like it, he grabs his jeans from where he left them on the floor and starts stuffing his legs into them one after the other.

 “Robert, tell me where you are, I’ll come get ya.”

He’s grabbing his green pullover also from the floor and his heart stops.

“There was an accident. It’s s’okay. The ambulance is coming. Aaron, I love you.” Robert is trying to play him off, it’s fine, he’s okay, but his ‘I love you’ chills Aaron. He’s saying it like it’s the last time he’ll ever say it. That he has to pour all of it into those three words because Aaron will never hear them again.

“Robert, tell me where you are, mate, I can—Robert? _Robert_. Fuck.” There’s nothing but static now and Aaron drops his phone on the bed as he yanks his top on.

He throws himself down the stairs and shuffles things around messily as he looks for his car keys, he finds them under the Radio Times and he unhooks his coat and stuffs it under his arm. It’s not until he’s in the car that he realises he has nowhere to go. He doesn’t know where Robert is. He doesn’t know if he’s alone. Was he in the car? On foot? Is he in a ditch? He slams his hands down on the steering wheel as his eyes prick with tears.

He pings off a text to his mum to check on Liv, and one to Liv herself saying he’s gone to the hospital. Aaron picks Hotten A&E because that’s the only lead he’s got, and he tries to keep the fracturing pieces of himself inside as he stops at a red traffic light.

 _Don’t do this to me, Robert. Please don’t do this to me_.

His throat feels sore with how tight it gets. Eventually, he has to pull over and have a cry. All of his being wants to curl his hand into a fist and punch it into his own thigh. He wants that clarity, that relief that pain can offer him, but he’s been better. He is better.

 _Better wasn’t when Robert might be dying_.

His sob is wet, and his nose is running. He has to get there. No matter what happens, he has to be there.

~*~

 

Everything blurs as Aaron parks up his car. He shuffles on his jacket and makes his way to A&E. It’s quiet because of how late it is, but a few people mill about as he heads up to the desk. The receptionist smiles at him as she asks what he needs.

“Uh, my husband, my ex-husband called me ‘cause he’d been in an accident. Robert Sugden?” Aaron self corrects himself and the receptionist nods, “Okay, we’ll take a look.”

“Right, ex-husband you say?”

Aaron nods, “Yeah.”

She looks at him with a sad look, “I can’t really give this information away to non-family members.”

 _We are family_ is the first thing he wants to say, and he realises he hasn’t called Vic. “Wait, I can call his sister, Victoria.”

“And she’ll give you permission?”

Aaron agrees, Vic would want someone with Robert until she can get to him. “Yeah, we’re close.”

The receptionist hums, “It won’t be necessary.”

“It won’t?” Aaron is confused.

“I just checked a bit further down in his medical records, next of kin: husband, Aaron Dingle?” She offers him hopefully, but Aaron is crushed.

Robert never told Aaron that he made him his next of kin, and that he still hadn’t changed it after all these months.

His voice croaks, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Okay, Mr Dingle, if you wait there a nurse will come and get you, alright?” The receptionist is lovely, but Aaron is underwater. He fumbles for his phone and tries to call Vic, but he can’t make his hands work.

 _Next of kin. Husband. Aaron Dingle_.

Robert planned for this. After everything they’d been through last year, he planned that if anything ever happened to him, Aaron wouldn’t be shut out.

A nurse taps him on the shoulder, “Mr Dingle? Come with me to the relatives’ room and we’ll have a chat.”

The sense of foreboding in his stomach doesn’t ease, only grows.

 

~*~

 

They sit down in a tiny room with three chairs pushed back against the walls with a tiny TV, and while the nurse is a nice enough lady, he doesn’t care about that, he’s waiting for her to tell him about Robert.

“Is he alright?”

She smiles softly at him, “Robert was brought in following a car accident 30 minutes ago, he was unconscious and doctors are still running tests to see the extent of his injuries.”

“Injuries?” _More than one?_

Her voice is quiet and even, “He has sustained what we suspect are fractured ribs, bruising of the soft tissue in and around his abdomen, but we’re quite worried about his head injury.”

He’s simply a parrot, “Head injury?”

“Yes, it seems to be causing him quite a bit of trouble. There’s swelling and it’s quite aggressive.”

Aaron wrings his hands, “What does that mean?”

“It means we’ll do everything we can to help Robert do it on his own, but he has to let his brain heal and come back to normal size. If not, we’ll go in surgically and drill little holes to relieve the pressure.”

It’s irrational, but Aaron doesn’t want that, them poking holes in Robert like he’s a doll to be played with. “No. Don’t do that.”

The nurse puts her hand on his knee and he stares at it, “I know it’s a lot, but we’re doing everything we can to save Robert.”

 _Save_.

His voice is small and weak, “Is he gonna die?”

To her credit, she doesn’t lie, she doesn’t make promises, she just tells him: “We’re doing everything we can to stop that, but I can’t say for sure. A lot of it depends on Robert.”

“I wanna see ‘im.”

“Okay, I’ll take you. It’ll be a lot of wires, so don’t be worried about that…”

Aaron doesn’t have the heart to tell her that he’s been to see Robert in the hospital before.

“Is there anything we need to know about your husband’s medical history?” She asks as she shows him to a closed curtain.

“Uh, he was shot a couple of years back, in the chest. He sometimes gets an ache there, but he rubs it and it’s alright.” Aaron feels like he’s in a fog as he’s ushered behind the curtain to where Robert is on the bed, limp and pale with a gash on his forehead.

“You can touch him.” The nurse nudges as she fiddles with his saline drip and heartrate monitor.

Aaron sits on the high-backed chair and picks up Robert’s hand, his left hand with his wedding ring sitting loosely on his finger. It bumps against his knuckle when Aaron moves it, just playing with the smooth metal as he tries not to lose it.

He’s not Robert like this. There’s nothing about him that embodies the man Aaron loves. He’s just Robert shaped and filling the space until Robert comes back.

Aaron waits until the nurse leaves him be before he presses Robert’s hand to his mouth and kisses it, dripping his tears onto Robert’s skin.

He has his cry, and he gets himself together enough to call Victoria. She tells him to stay put, she’ll be there soon, and he assures her he isn’t going anywhere. He’s known Vic a long time, and when she gets militant it’s because she’s scared. She doesn’t know how to be unless she has something to _do_. So, she’ll inform people, she’ll pack Robert a bag, she’ll do everything that needs doing and she’ll be here.

People filter in and out, doctors ask him questions about Robert’s general health and Aaron tells them as much as he can, he doesn’t know too much of his recent day to day, but the big questions he can do. Again, Robert made sure they could because he asked. Aaron came out of hospital and was ensconced on the sofa with a fluffy blanket, given to him by his mum obviously, and Robert asked him every question under the sun about his allergies, any accidents, falls, last time he had a cold. Aaron thought he was mental at the time, but now he’s just glad he can help. Anything to help Robert’s brain.

Things stay quiet after that, and Aaron rubs at Robert’s legs to keep his circulation going ‘cause he gets a bizarre worry that he’ll get bedsores otherwise. Vic comes and finds him with Adam popping off to get them coffees and she kisses his cheek and hugs her arms around his neck where he’s still sitting facing Robert.

“Y’alright, Aaron?”

He nods, “Mmm.”

She moves past him to give her brother a kiss on his forehead and brushes back his hair, Aaron wants to leave her to it, but he can’t make himself move.

“D’ya know what happened?” Vic heads to the chair on the other side of the bed.

He shakes his head, “No, they just told me he’d been in a car accident with Rebecca, Lachlan and Sebastian. They’re in some of the other bays.”

Aaron hasn’t been to see any of them because it’s none of his business and he gets the feeling that one of them is responsible for this. Well, Sebastian isn’t.

“I’ll check on Seb then, let Adam know so I can have my coffee, yeah?”

Adam and Aaron sit in silence because Adam knows him inside out and talking isn’t going to make him feel better. When Vic comes back she looks like she’s fuming.

“Babe?” Adam asks as he gives her the other seat.

“This car accident.” She says and then stops. “It hit the left side of the car.”

 _Robert’s side_.

His side on the edge of the road, not Lachlan’s who would have been hit if the car had been clipped by another.

“What are you sayin’, Vic?”

Aaron is numb again when Adam asks his wife, her with her arms folded and staring at her brother.

“She’s saying it’s a bloody miracle that that side of the car was hit,” Aaron says, quietly.

Lachlan has made no bones about wanting Robert out of the picture and this is how he’s gone and done it. Aaron feels raw in his anger, he stands up and Vic calls his name.

“Chrissie and Lawrence are with him. You won’t get a word out of him. It gets worse.”

_How, how does this get worse?_

Then Vic tells him what she bullied out of the nurse with regards to Sebastian.

 

~*~

 

Aaron is standing by the automatic doors to A&E when Adam comes up behind him, “Mate?”

He sides up next to Aaron and hugs an arm around his shoulders.

Everything they went through, the pain, the anguish, it was a lie.

“I left him for this.”

Adam nods, “I know.”

There was other stuff, stuff they’d buried, but this, this was what he couldn’t take. A life Robert now has and he can’t be a part of. They were never going to be Seb’s dads. It would have been Mum, Dad and Aaron. And Aaron couldn’t handle it. He’s not proud of it, but he’s human. Pain is pain.

“You gonna get back with him?”

Aaron shakes his head, “I dunno if he’s even gonna—”

His breathing hitches and Adam pulls him in for a tight hug. “Rob’ll be alright.”

Aaron lets Adam rub his back and tell him it’s going to be okay because, for a second, he wants to believe it.

 

~*~

 

There’s a lot of waiting around and just staring at Robert. Adam takes Vic home because Diane is beside herself and Aaron doesn’t want her there at the hospital. He fobs off about it being a bad look, which is true, but he wants to give Robert the space to heal and find out about Seb from someone who isn’t going to blurt it in his face.

“You gonna be alright?” Vic asks him as she squeezes him tight, Adam’s hand over her shoulder and resting on his. She wants to stay, but Aaron’s got her convinced of his Diane avoiding plan and he feels awful because Robert is her brother and she should be here. “Yeah, I’ll take care of him till you get back.”

He loves Vic, but Robert is his priority.

“I know you will.”

They leave, and Aaron manages to get a call from his mum.

“You alright, love?” She says as he picks up and he agrees.

“Yeah, it’s a load of waiting now.”

“Yeah.”

It’s the way she says it that gets Aaron’s back up, “What.”

“Nothing.”

 _Why does it have to be you? You’re not together anymore_. Aaron’s mind races with the possibilities.

“He needs us, Mum. He’s in a coma because his brain is swelled up.” Us being Vic, him and Adam.

She sighs, and he starts up again, “For crying out loud, Mum, he could _die_.”

He stops. His breath stops, and he shudders before the tears start in earnest. It was like a dam broke and he’s sobbing. It’s the kind that only lasts a couple of seconds before he hiccups and he’s fine again.

“Oh Aaron, sweetheart. I’ll be right there.”

 _Don’t_. “Don’t.”

“What?” She sounds taken aback.

“I don’t want you here.”

“Aaron—”

He’s being irrational but, like Diane, his mum isn’t going to help Robert, so she can’t come.

“You wanna be there for me, fine, but I’m there for him so unless you can do that, be there for Robert, don’t come.”

There’s a silence, “He hurt my baby and I can’t forgive him for that.”

It’s honest, so Aaron is honest back, “I love ‘im and I ain’t going to leave until I know he’s okay.”

She hesitates, and Aaron hears it, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to ‘im, I just can’t support him hurting you again.”

There it is. She’s worried that this will bring them back together and Aaron is only going to get his heart broken again. Aaron lets out a breath because the thought of it makes him tired.

“Fine, Mum, but don’t bother, alright.”

“You change your mind, I’m here for ya.”

“I know, but Robert needed ya too.” Aaron disconnects as he remembers when they used to support each, a tentative détente for his sake but genuine affection where they could actually talk and be good people to each other. It just renews his hate for what the Whites, Rebecca, have done to him.

 

~*~

 

He dozes for a while until he hears an alarm go, he bolts up and Robert’s machines are bleeping at him as nurses rush in to check him over.

One nurse, a blonde one body checks him when he blindly reaches out to grab Robert.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t be here.”

“What?”

There’s tons of medical equipment being taken out and someone is prepping Robert’s arm to inject him with something.

He looks around as someone takes his arm to guide him away, he shakes them off, “No. Robert, it’s okay, you ain’t alone.”

“You’re right, he’s not, but you have to let us help him.” The blonde nurse tells him with a soft smile. He follows as she shows him her hand, and she tucks it under Robert’s. “See, I’ll take good care of him. I won’t let go.”

“ _Please_.” It’s all he says, and she nods.

“I promise.” And she squeezes Robert’s hand. They actually start moving his bed, putting up the bars as they rush him down the hallway.

Aaron lets himself be shown out as Robert gets further away from him before he leans against the wall and slides down it until he’s sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. He’s given a moment before he’s led out towards the Resuscitation department where someone offers him tea and he turns it down, trying to call Vic but getting no answer.

It honestly feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. It’s been ripped out and doctors are poking it with interest as he lays there bleeding without it.

He can’t even cry because there’s nothing left. It’s lying in that bed, fighting to survive.

 _Come on, Robert. Prove me right,_ fight.

He’s walking back and forth when the blonde nurse comes out and she nods to him, _job done_. He nods back at her as the doctor in scrubs calls him over to tell him what’s going on.

 

~*~

 

“He’s awake?” Aaron asks, hope swollen in his chest.

“Yes, he is, but he’s groggy and not at all out of the woods yet. If he has another downward turn, we may still have to resort to surgery.”

Aaron can’t help but grin, the doctor catches him with a “Mr Dingle.”

He looks up, “Your husband is in a bad way, we’re optimistic, but we have to be realistic.”

“Can I see ‘im?”

“We’re moving him up to a side room, and he’s asked for the police, so I’m told, and I’m sure they’ll want to talk to him first, but after that, I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“Thanks, Doc.” He shakes her hand and she smiles at him.

_Wait, what, police?_

 

~*~

 

He has several missed calls from his mum and a voicemail telling him that Gerry was heading into A&E.

“Mum? Where’s Liv?”

He didn’t check on her before he went to bed last night and he didn’t look in her room before he left. He can feel the guilt pressing on his chest.

“She’s alright, she’s with Belle answering questions. Turns out the vodka was spiked.”

“Spiked?”

“Yeah, a little party gift from Lachlan to the girls and Gerry. He was supposed to join them, but got caught up in all that mess.”

“How did they even know it was spiked?”

“They didn’t. Gerry had just opened it, was feeling sick when the police came and knocked. Apparently, Robert sent them round.”

 _He saved them_. He came out of a life-threatening coma and saved his family. He’s torn because his sister needs him, but Robert just woke up and is alone.

“You stay with Liv, Mum, I’ll just pop in and make sure Robert’s okay before I drive down.”

“No rush, they’ve got more questions to get through.” It isn’t the support he’d like from his mum, but he’ll take it.

Robert’s blonde nurse comes over and hands him a cup of tea, it’s milky and she says, “One sugar. He’s awake and asking for ya.”

He takes it and mouths thank you and says to his mum, “Gotta go, Mum, Robert’s up.”

 

It’s odd, the feeling he gets before he goes into Robert’s room. He’s been alone this whole night with his feelings running riot and it feels strange to tamp them down again. He opens the door and says, “A nurse just handed me this and said you were awake.”

He’s smiling a little, part of his hair has been shaved since Aaron saw him last, but Aaron doesn’t see any incisions, so he breathes a little internal sigh of relief and it overflows to a small smile on his face.

“Coleen. She’s helpful like that. How’s Liv? She okay?” Robert’s concern is touching, especially when he’s sitting in a hospital gown with bruising peeping out of the top of it by his throat.

He nods because for a moment it’s too much. Him and Liv being hurt, but he finds his voice: “Ta for that. No one knew until an ambulance was picking Gerry up and the girls were being sat down with two coppers. Mum is with ‘em now.”

What he finds he can’t figure out is how Robert knew in the first place, did he know before he got in the car? Did he goad it out of Lachlan and that’s why he crashed the car? What?

“What the hell happened, Rob?”

He obviously misinterprets Aaron’s question, but he lets him talk, work out whatever it is he needs to say, “Car crash, I don’t remember much, I was going to the Woolie…Rebecca finally came back and said I could spend some time with Seb, only with her so, I agreed. I wanted to see my son. Lachlan offered us a lift, and she accepted, I didn’t want to, but my hands were tied.”

Aaron had hoped to wait on telling Robert about Seb, but there’s no doing for it. Either he tells him now, or someone else will. Robert frowns at his face, “What?”

“Robert, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t want to do this. Not after everything.

“What is it? Is Seb—”

“He’s not your son.” It’s like a weight is lifted off of Aaron and pushed straight onto crushing Robert.

His voice is so lost when he asks Aaron, “What are you saying?”

Aaron can’t help but reach out and touch Robert’s hand, curl his own up under his like they did sometimes at the kitchen table. Stupid and silly, they’d pull each other towards each other like a game, but now it’s just sad. He gives it one lingering look before he looks back at Rob.

He regurgitates what Vic told him: “He needed a blood transfusion before you went under, and they wanted to see if you shared a type, Rebecca’s still in surgery, but they found that there was no way your blood type wouldn’t make an effect on his.”

“The dad has the same blood type as Rebecca. You…don’t.” Robert pulls away from him. “Robert, they were gonna—”

Robert looks overwhelmed. His eyes dart back and forth and his chest starts to move quicker as his breathing changes: “I need a minute.”

Aaron realises that this is something Robert needs to do on his own. He’s Seb’s father, or he was, and Aaron is the one person he feels he can’t do this in front of.

He tries to reassure Robert, but mostly himself, “I’ll be by later, alright, to make sure you’re still kicking.”

“I’ll see you later.” It’s distant. Robert won’t hear him now, so Aaron slips out with one last look at his ex-husband, his heart breaking for his pain.

 

~*~

 

Aaron gets a call from Liv as he’s about to leave to grab his car.

“Alright?” She says as Aaron says ‘hiya’.

“Yeah, he’s up so I’m gonna come see ya.”

There’s a silence and Aaron feels like he’s done this before with his mum, “Don’t.”

He stops, “What?”

“He needs ya. I’ve got your mum, Belle, we’re gonna go see Gerry when he’s settled. He needs ya.”

“What made you change your tune?” It comes out rougher than he’d like, but Liv doesn’t take offence to it.

“I wanted him to hurt, like he hurt us. Not dead.”

“ _Liv_.”

“He was our family. We take care of family, even when we don’t like ‘em.”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t want ‘im back, mind. Just…be nice to ‘im so he don’t die.”

“Sure, I’ll do that.”

“Are ya sure ya can?”

“I’ll let ya know, yeah?”

“Bye Aaron.” Liv’s voice trembles and Aaron wants to be there to scoop his sister up into a hug and tell her he’s so sorry this, all of this, happened to her.

“See ya, Liv, I’ll be home later. It’ll be alright, he’s out of the worst of it.”

“Sure.” She doesn’t sound convinced, but she doesn’t sound unconvinced either.

 

He knows Robert’s hurting, and because of that, he doesn’t want to go back in and disturb him, so he plonks himself down in the waiting room and closes his eyes. He can sit here for a little while and then he can go and see Robert in a bit to see if he’s alright. Plus, he can be here if anything else happens.

The nurse he has learned is called Coleen wakes him up from his awkward sleep on the plastic chairs at around 8 o’clock. His neck has a crick in it and his beard is scratchy even to his own skin. He wrinkles his nose, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, he wants to see ya. Can I get you a brew? Something to eat?”

Aaron shakes his head, “No, ta. Is it alright if I go in?”

She looks at him for a moment, “What are you two doing?”

He blinks and then frowns, “Whadda ya mean?”

“He loves you, you love him. I woulda thought that counted for summat.” She grumbles as she shoos Aaron towards the room and herself back to her work station.

He fumbles with the handle and Robert is drinking a cup of tea when he says hi to him.

“You didn’t have to stay.”

 _Uh_. He starts to cover up when Robert says, “Coleen gave you up.”

He rubs the back of his neck because he’s embarrassed to have been caught out, “She do that a lot?”

“I think so.” Robert looks amused by it, so Aaron doesn’t get to upset.

“How are ya?”

Aaron wills Robert to tell him the truth because he’s a known liar for passing off aches and pains as nothing to Aaron because he doesn’t want him to worry.

“Sore.”

He breathes a little sigh of relief and he decides to ask the big elephant in the room question: “What are you going to do about Seb?”

Robert looks uncomfortable and he winces as he moves, “Aaron. You don’t have to ask me about that, that was never fair to you.”

 “Yeah, I know, but I asked.” And he does. He wants to know things so that he can help.

There’s a little sigh, “I’m gonna ask to be a part of his life.”

“I’m the only dad he’s ever known, and part of me, a big part, still feels like his dad even if I’m not. I chose him.”

It’s taken a lot for Robert to admit that, Aaron can see it, and he’s honestly surprised that this is Robert’s choice. He would have thought him ready to blow it all to hell.

“And maybe Rebecca won’t want me to be a part of that, but I have to try, right? For my son.”

Aaron doesn’t realise it until that moment, but something drops inside him, maybe it is a way of blowing it up.

“This isn’t some way of getting back at Lachlan?”

Robert shakes his head, “We’re never going to see eye to eye so, I’m just not gonna look.”

He’s taken aback, “That’s—”

“You were right, I needed something to make me grow up. You thought it would have been my son, or who I thought was my son, but it was just filling a void. I didn’t do any of that stuff for me, I did it for you.”

Robert looks down, not wanting to see Aaron’s face, but all Aaron feels is love.

He still doesn’t stop talking either: “Not because I thought it would get us back together, but because I knew you were right. You’re always right because you’re a better man than I am.”

“Robert.” Part of him wants to crumble. Robert’s belief in Aaron’s goodness has never once changed. Not one sentence, not one look has ever changed him in Robert’s eyes.

Robert looks up to catch his eye and he stares back at him, “It’s fine, Aaron. You _are_ the better man. But one day, I’m gonna be too.”

Aaron doesn’t know what it is, but something is different in Robert. He searches his face; his eyes catch on his bruised blanket-covered body and he tries to see what it is. It’s like he woke up and he’s _new_. Aaron looks at him for the things he remembers, the undercurrent of spite towards Lachlan, the indifference and then worry for his son, the quiet sadness that has been there as long as Aaron has known him, and it’s just…gone.

 

~*~

 

Vic takes over from him at lunch time with a wan smile because she clearly hasn’t slept, and Aaron hugs her tight before he lets himself breathe and finally go home knowing that Robert is okay. There’s not much else he can do, it’s not his place anymore no matter how much his heart tells his head it is, and honestly, he’s so confused about what he feels and how he feels about it.

Adam asks him again when they’re getting a pint that night, to celebrate the fact it is Christmas, about whether he’s going to get back with Robert, and Aaron doesn’t know what to think. He loves Robert, but he’s now fighting for a child who is not his with a woman that Aaron still can’t stand. It comes from a place of a kind heart, but he doesn’t know what it means for him, them.

“You don’t think it’s worth a shot?” Adam asks as he sips his beer.

Aaron shrugs, “We broke up for a lot of reasons, reasons he still ain’t dealt with.”

“But you love him.”

He nods. He also thinks back to how determined Robert was to fight for the boy he had decided was his son, how he was going to do it the right way and how he was gonna be better for everyone, including himself, and Aaron decides it’s that level of self-reflection that makes him push down whatever he feels. Their problems didn’t magically disappear because Seb wasn’t Robert’s son, and it’s easy to fall into that trap, into believing that nothing is there to trip them up and he can’t do that to Robert again. Ask him to give all of himself only to walk away if it doesn’t work – because he knows Robert never will. His heart belongs wholly to Aaron and it’s Aaron’s job to take care of it for him, even if that means hurting his own heart. He has to let Robert heal and he has to do it on his own.

 

So, Aaron goes on little dates with Dr Alex to distract himself, to put someone in his line of sight and stop him from running back to Robert. He is incredibly nice, and Aaron does like him, but he is never going to be Robert. He’s never going to set his world on fire with a passion that destroyed lives, or get the stupid things that Aaron likes to watch on TV. And Aaron knows he would be a good choice, if he was the only choice.

But he’s not.

Robert smiles at him when he comes into the pub and raises his glass, his eyes dull with pain at being denied contact with his son, being denied the fatherhood he fought so hard to earn, and it becomes a kind of torture for Aaron to sit with Robert and not be able to comfort him the way that he wants. To pull Robert into his arms for a big cuddle like they used to, to run him a bath or put on that God-awful music he likes. But he does it because it’s the only way he can be close to him.

It gets to his birthday and he can’t keep living the lie. Alex tries, he really does, but Aaron is caught on another man. A blonder man who buys him a pint and sends it over before he leaves without a word. He’s trying so hard and Aaron just longs for him. Alex understands that their differences are too great and parts from Aaron with the kind of grace and warmth Aaron has come to know from Alex. He gives Aaron a soft kiss on the cheek and wishes him well, and Aaron sighs because Alex really is a good bloke. Just not the right one.

His mum, on the other hand, does her nut.

“This is about Robert.”

“This is about me, Mum.” He tries to reason with her, “Robert ain’t been near me.”

“But somehow, _somehow_ , you’re throwing away a good thing with a nice doctor.”

“I let Alex go because we’re too different. I can’t—”

“Can’t what?”

 _I can’t fall in love with him like I fell in love with Robert_.

“I can’t pretend like I’m something I’m not.”

“And did he ever make you feel like that?”

“No—”

“Well then.”

“ _I did._ I made me feel like that. He’s a nice, fit bloke and I’m…sod it. I’m in love with my ex-husband. Yeah, he cheated on me. Yeah, he had a son and it turned out not to be his, but he hasn’t done a damn thing since then and I _still_ love him.” Aaron breathes heavily but feels lighter.

Chas shakes her head, “You can’t be serious.”

“He’s different now. I feel it, in my bones, and I can’t pretend that I don’t want it, want him, he’s it, Mum. He always was.”

“You’re gonna regret this.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t care. I don’t care if he breaks my heart all over again, it’s his.” It feels too exposing to tell his mum this, but he needs her to understand. They aren’t two people anymore, they’re one heart split in two and Aaron can’t bear to be without his other half anymore.

 

~*~

 

He tells Robert he broke up with Alex and Robert’s face lights up for a second before he shoves it back down. Aaron feels a warm pleasure spread inside him. Robert still feels the same. He still loves Aaron. They sit, and they talk, and Aaron feels hopeful for the future.

The only thing that holds him back is Robert’s hesitancy. It makes him aware that they aren’t entirely better yet, and they need to tread carefully. So, he takes his cues from Robert, they go on mini pub dates where they spend time reconnecting and Aaron waits for Robert to say he’s ready.

It’s February before Robert makes his move: “I wanna take you on a date.”

He feigns discomfort, he needs to gauge how true this interest is, “If this is about Alex, or Seb not being your son....”

“No, that’s not—” Robert stops, takes a breath and tries again, “I had a choice. At Christmas, in my coma. I could stay in this made up world where we loved each other, where we did it all right, and nothing ever hurt, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t me. The things we’ve done, _I’ve_ _done_. They’re who I am. I’ve stopped running from that."

Aaron finds he wasn’t expecting that, but he supposes coma dreams are a funny sort. Robert takes Aaron’s silence wrong and keeps going, “I also saw Katie and my dad, it wasn’t just you. And it made me realised that what I’m hiding from is me, and it has to stop.”

There’s a moment before Robert proudly tells him. “I’m even going to see someone. A bit of a waiting list, but it’s happening.”

 _There_.

That’s what he needed to hear.

“So, Aaron. I would like to, in the future, take you on a date. If you’re interested?”

Aaron can barely contain his happiness, “When you’re in a better place?”

“Yeah, when I’m in a better place.” Robert is smiling, and Aaron quirks an eyebrow and smiles back.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

They go on their ‘first’ date in March. Robert takes Aaron to a festival and wears torn jeans, which Aaron finds hilarious but also well fit on him and they sleep with their backs to each other in their tents but wake up huddled up together like they did when they were together.

Robert tries to apologise, and Aaron has to let him off the hook, “Rob, it’s fine, it happens.”

They go on more dates and Robert seems to find his groove. He’s still a sarcastic knob when he wants to be, but there’s nothing spiteful in him now. He spends tons of time trying to win Liv back, taking verbal beating after verbal beating and never once asking her to stop. Eventually, Aaron takes her aside and has words.

“He’s said he’s sorry, he’s tried with ya, what more do you want?”

Aaron blinks because he realises. She wants what all kids want. The reassurance that what happened won’t ever happen again.

“I ain’t rushing into this, Liv, he ain’t gonna step foot inside our family until _we’re_ ready.”

Giving her the power seems to appease her. She softens to his attempts to spend time with her and she starts letting help with her school work again and when he says he’s sorry, she listens to him.

She’s the one who comes to Aaron and suggests that he should move back in. He understands it’s a bit unorthodox to let your sister run your relationship like that, but her soft smile when she hugs Aaron is worth it every single time.

 

It’s May when Aaron wakes up one morning to a slap-up breakfast in bed on a Sunday for no reason other than Robert made it for him.

“What’s this for?” He asks, and Robert is humming as he gets dressed. “Breakfast.”

“I guessed that, but why?”

“Why not?” Robert shrugs and gives him a kiss, ignoring his morning breath and ruffles his hair before he slips on some socks.

Aaron hugs himself to Robert’s back where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed to put said socks on, “Marry me.”

“What?” Robert half turns so he can see Aaron’s face.

“Isn’t it how it ends? You and me, married?”

“Aaron—”

“I married ya because I love ya, I still love ya, so let’s do it. Let’s get married again.” Aaron finds himself getting more into the idea the more he thinks about it, “I liked being your husband; we deserve a second shot.”

Robert is searching his face before he gives him another kiss, a soft press of lips, “Yes.”

 

~*~

This Christmas is very different from last year. When he was running around looking for his keys, he’s now sitting with Rob, wrapping the last of their presents. Well, Aaron is wrapping them, and Robert is sitting with his legs either side of Aaron’s and hugging his back with arms loose around his waist. He’s also pretty sure that Robert just wiped his mince pie crumbed mouth on the back of Aaron’s jumper.

“What are you like?” He says, and Robert just noses his ear and holds him tighter.

When Aaron was sitting by Robert’s bedside, holding his hand and willing him to live, he’s now tucked up in bed with his husband, listening to his heart beat.

He doesn’t realise Robert is awake until a warm hand rubs his back to soothe him and remind him he’s not alone.

When Robert was telling him that he had hopes of being a better person, they’re eating bacon sandwiches and Gerry is regaling them with a story from work the week before. Robert drops ketchup on his lap and he looks down immediately like he’s scared it was bacon. He has a little look of relief when he realises it wasn’t and Aaron snorts to himself and Robert looks at him, but doesn’t realise it’s him that he’s laughing at.

He mouths ‘I love you’ to Robert over the dinner table and Robert smiles and mouths it back, Gerry’s story reaching a crescendo. Aaron finally feels happy with his lot in life.

“Although, I don’t know where the cheese fits into it,” Gerry says, sadly, and everyone laughs. Aaron grabs Gerry in a headlock and rubs the top of his head. He pleads for mercy and is let go.

Not much else happens after that, they head over to Dingle Farm and Robert gets trapped between Gerry and Zak talking about cows and after a while, Robert gives in over his self-imposed strike and joins in the conversation.

Aaron laughs, and Liv nudges up against him, “Alright?”

“Yeah, you?”

She nods, “A bit different this year.”

“Good different?” He wants her to be honest and he’s never known his sister not to be, not about Robert.

She looks like she turns it over in her mind, and then she smiles, “Yeah.”

Robert looks at them and his smile widens from ear to ear.

It’s not a beginning, it’s not an end, it’s just Christmas.


End file.
